Here are some jokes that brightened my day!
1. when someone shouts out “silence is golden” you shout out “and duct tape is silver”
2. Add: i need a punching bag…Any Volunteers? apply below…
3. … I’m so glad it’s FRIDAY! (just nod and agree … don’t spoil my fantasy)
4. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s SUPERMAN! No, wait. Never mind, it’s a bird.
5. Great! The voices are speaking Spanish, French, and German, and I’ve got no freaking translator!
6. I have been to the dark side… and their cookies SUCK!!
7. shh do not disturb me I am staring at this carton of orange juice cause it says concentrate…
8. How come alot of statuses are about boyfriends and friends? They should be about bacon. Because bacon is amazing and can bring world peace.
9. How hungry was the first guy to eat and egg? Did she say…hey! look what just came out of the chickens butt, let’s eat it.
10. My favorite word starts with F and ends with UCK. my favorite word is firetruck what else did you think I’d say?
11. 2 cows in a field, first cow says MOO, second cow says…dude, you read my mind!
12. I believe that if you have one foot in the past and one in the present, you are peeing all over today.
13. Police came round to my house today, and told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike. I told them it cant be my dog, as my dog doesn’t even have a bike.
14. It’s a tough job…but somebody’s gotta lead the freak parade.
15. You laugh because you think I’m kidding, I smile because I know I’m not 🙂
16. OK it’s official, I’m so bored that I’m clicking through a bunch of different “Status Shuffles” to get a laugh. 😛
17. I think I got a textually transmitted disease from unprotected Facebook poking!
18. Dear Week, I no longer like you and I am leaving you for Weekend. I would say that it’s not you… it’s me… but no, it was definitely you.
19. How to face life’s most stressful situations: -> Live life like a dog. If you can’t eat it, And you can’t hump it… Piss on it and walk away.
20. I went outside once… The graphics were alright, but the gameplay sucked.
21. I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they’re really choking.
22. I am as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles!
23. After watching CSI, Cold case, Law & Order, and all those other educational shows, I’m 99% sure I can make sure nobody notices you missing. 🙂 Just saying…
24. If you fall, I WILL pick you up… as soon as I’m done laughing ;]
25. want to go on a crime spree with me? don’t worry I watched CSI I totally know what I am doing this time.
26. I have something to say “Purple crayons do not taste like grapes”.
27. Genius by birth, Evil by choice! 😉
28. Cop: Your eyes look bloodshot, have you been drinking? Guy: Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts??
29. Eff~You~See~Kay Why~oh~you
30. i did not hit you … i simply highfived your face
* from the internet